"i like long walks on the beach"

the truth lies underneath the moon
i croon my innermost thoughts
into night's silence
i might just
turn this into a routine
digging my toes into the sand
letting the tides wrap around me
like a blanket
the wind is my only witness
to this confession of my sorrow
my wishes
my hopes
sometimes i hope i don't see tomorrow

dazed

few care
most don't
i don't
dissociation at a high
i need to talk to someone
but im slowly falling into quick sand
i think about 'it' a lot
and sometimes it doesnt seem that bad

doing my hair is theraputic

i've done it so much i can't mess up
when i'm doing my hair i lose myself in it
and it's the only thing on my mind
i can chase away all my responsibilities
and be productive at the same time
doing my hair is lit

decay

1:30 in Richmond

it's 1:30 in the morning and i'm deathly tired but also wide-awake...meaning i'll probably pass out if i hit this pillow...which will happen sooner rather than later 

[traces of nostalgia in my system

twisting scribbles into scriptures 

planting spotlights

on my unscripted mind

snuggled in between

my most awkward moments

and deepest hopes...]

insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results.

i'm quite insane

i can't swipe right on everyone ya know, the stars have to align and doves have to sing in harmony

i long
to wake with someone
who exudes enough
radiance
to rival with the sun
and come out victorious

to be phased
by the twinkle in their eye
mesmerized
by the diamonds

i wouldn't need
to burden my hand
with them

my hand
would be too busy
holding
the most precious jewel

i long
to allow myself
to be charmed by
by early mornings

kisses
on the forehead

interlocking
fingers

the simpler things

i long
to be able
to trust again

i need not
the wealth
of the world

but those moments
of

good mornings

and

i love yous

and

you mean
something
to mes

i long to
find someone
that finds
comfort
in our silence

is it weird
to want to be in love
before
adding noise?

fill in the blank

i'll remember you
by the way i fell in ___ ___ ___ ____
and how i ____ out perfection
wasn't just some man ____ concept
that could only be realized by summer _______
and ______ movies
it was hidden
________ a _________ _______

i forget my first love like you forget a day dream

and what of all my wild friends
and all the times i had with them
but i'll fade to grey soon
on the TV station

hope it's not too much

obligatory music post

i listen to noname (go listen to all i need)
i listen to goldlink (go listen to dance on me)
i listen to vince staples (go listen to senorita)
i listen to mick jenkins (go listen to healer)
i listen to isaiah rashad (go listen to free lunch)
i listen to sza (go listen to warm winds)
i listen to chance the rapper (go listen to same drugs)
i listen to vic mensa (go listen to there's a lot going on)
i listen to towkio (go listen to heaven only knows)

i just gave you enough great music to brighten your day

i have a queen sized bed now, and the sun wakes me up in the morning

this is going to be a good ass year
i know it

i'm so sorry

i'ma need new life experiences so my poems wont go stale rehashing old news

i kinda sorta used to be in love with you, i guess maybe

i.

traces of nostalgia in my system

twisting scribbles into scriptures 

planting spotlights on my unscripted mind

snug in between my most awkward moments 

and deepest hopes

ii. 

there's an odd sense of comfort

in the way your lips curl when you smile

iii. 

sometimes i hate when we don't speak

iv. 

i'd rather not let feelings leak through winks 

and blank stares

i'd rather move hollow hearted and blank faced

v. 

because of you

i've learned that chasing after schoolgirl crushes

brings about nothing but skinned knees

my wounds are still fresh

they still bleed

because of you

i keep kelly clarkson on repeat

vi. 

i'd rather learn how to heal

so i don't have to dwell 

on the emotional debt 

of he-who-must-not-be-named

vii. 

i feel like severus snape

viii. 

sometimes i hate you

ix. 

i lock my door when i go to sleep

i don't even trust me, with me

heart charred black

can't even see when you fucked up at

but the scar's still there

shaped like your lips

when you last told me you cared

x. 

i don't trust me, with me

i have to learn to keep my body in a sacred place

i have to learn to treat my body like a sacred place

but sleeping alone makes my heart race

i lay awake at night keeping it at pace

xi. 

i hate being a mess

xii. 

i hate the difference
between being in love
and loving

xiii. 

i only fall in love with
lunar eclipses

chamomile tea

and friends reruns

xiv.

anymore

how can you trip over something that was never yours in the first place?

maybe future nia can answer this question for me.

5 days until 21

Current state: I have a headache. I seem to have a headache quite often lately. I don't really know why. I drink a shit ton of water all the time. Maybe it's because I've been sort of stressed lately. But, it's not that great of a reason to feel like Shrek is pummeling your head with a poorly constructed hammer. My back's been hurting too. Sometimes my body feels more like 60, and less like 20.

My birthday is in a couple days. I'm excited to turn 21. It's going to be a good year. I've got great people in my life. I'm on set to graduate in May. I'm gonna have the sickest senior year of all time.

 I have a lot of half-written poems in my notes. I really do need help picking up the pieces. I might call some poetry homies soon to help me out. Cause, I'm really feeling like Professor Calamitous right now.

Here's one that I wrote not too long ago,

i admit i still fantasize about you
and the way your baby blues
crooned

That's it. Like, what? I have a bunch of random couplets that don't make sense together. Who knows what I'll do with them in the future.

I'm not sure if I'm ready to love yet. It all hurts. I totally wish I could see the future, so I can be with someone who won't screw me over and avoid all the ones that will. But, I guess I need to stop being such a weeny and jump. But, I don't know, something in me just thinks I should focus on me. Love always seems to distract me.

I'm not too happy yet, but I see it in my future.

R&B has kinda turned into something that promotes unhealthy relationships. Like, the guys in R&B are usually all in love & worshiping the girl that they're with but the popular R&B singers now are just saying what the rappers are saying, but in a prettier tune. Looking at you Bryson Tiller & PND.

So, I've been trying to find some music to make me feel better. Here's a good one.


Y'all hear Mick Jenkins' Healer beat behind the tune? I do.

I always feel weird about my body so it's nice for someone to be there to combat the bad thoughts.

I'm rambling; I'm just gonna stop now.

Anyway, good night.

i used to have a crush on jimmy brooks

way before he was ever drizzy drake

i thought he was so damn fine

even with that crooked ass afro

thunder and lighting

i hate crying in front of people. i especially hate crying in front of dudes. that shit makes me feel so weak and needy. but then, i guess, bad bitches cry too so.

it's thundering outside. i'd really like some company. i feel like i'm in an 90s R&B tryna talk about how much men aint shit. cause they aren't.

i really just hit on a ton of points and none of it makes sense but oh well.

i miss you

another day, another turmoil

i wish i could just go back to when i was a kid when i used to get a lot of random hugs and i got a ton of bedtime stories red to me. cause this adult thing isn't that great. i need a hug.

seeking a friend for the end of the world

in my last moments

i'd want to make you happy

and convince you

that the world isn't as fucked up 

as it seems

i just want to see you smile

florida

it completely blew my mind to see palm trees and shit everywhere. i was like, nigga am i on an island? am i in the bahamas? this is wild. this is lit. i had fun.

you are very special

everyone is special

this i know is true

when i look at

you

2016.

i am very very sad

2002.

i was seven. i had no front teeth. i only crushed on white boys. lizzie mcguire was my idol. i didn't have a care about anything on this earth. life was fucking great.

getting through a mental breakdown

i had a moment of weakness today. a thing that was said sent my thoughts spiraling down. i really do have to get better control of this, because my mood is something that's so fragile. holding onto a good feeling is something that is hard for me. but i just started to think about my life after college, and how i have absolutely nothing figured out. no type of job security. no next step. i know my senior year is the year where i can figure all of that out, but it just really sent me to an incredibly dark place. see, it starts with me not knowing what i'm going to do after college and it'll lead into something like "no one will love you if you can't provide for yourself" and then it'll lead into the lovely thought of "you're an incompetent human being." it can never stay at one level for me. and, i'll never know my triggers until they happen. that's the worst part. i'm not in a constant state of worry because it doesn't happen all of the time, but this even is pushing me into becoming the biggest worrier on earth. i hate the anxiety. i hate the depression. i hate the fact that mental health isn't taken neaaaarly as seriously as physical health. sometimes i feel really crazy. i wonder if i am.

- nia simone

thoughts

everybody's so pretty and i'm just here

why do people like to use me

it's a weird life that i live 

golf wang the anti-runway runway

late last night i had the pleasure of watching the golf wang fashion show on youtube. i'm not the biggest runway fashion fan, but the vibe of golf wang fashion show completely attracted me. i think that tyler the creator is one of the most underrated niggas in the hip hop game. he has his hands in so many different things and it's floating under the radar for so many people. i honestly don't fucking get it; i've been rocking with his ass since goblin came out back when i was in high school. it might be because of his rocky start with all of the suggestive lyrics, but people should really give him a chance. he's an entrepreneur and showcasing a powerful message of being yourself and going after what the fuck you want. i am all for it. i wish i could work with this nigga because creatively he is on the top of the rapper game. don't fight me on this.

the music was dope as hell; had to do my googles and figure out what songs they were.

*goes to drown myself in alabama shakes*

but i want to support this nigga so bad but his clothing is kind of expensive at times. but, that doesn't mean that i won't tell everyone i know that this nigga is dope and they should support his creative smart dope ass. (and i got some of socks)

but, please watch this fashion show. it is fire flames. and support this nigga please and i'll live vicariously through you.

- nia simone

(one day i'll meet him and let him know how talented and creative and beautiful he is)

writing through the pain

sometimes, i feel like i should be finding other ways to medicate. i always wanted to find some type of quick fix that would make me feel better. by me, i mean my mind - my body - my spirit. they're all kinda tainted right now. it's a plethora of reasons, but all of them coming for me at once is affecting me. it really is. 

one of the ways that i medicate is through my writing. it feels good to bring about something beautiful from something ugly. people tell me that i'm a good writer. i believe them most of the time. but, i often think that people just tell me what they think i need to hear to make me feel better. i guess you can say that i don't take compliments well. 

one of my favorite rappers is ironically, chance the rapper. he just dropped his newest project coloring book. of course, i was practically peeing my pants when it dropped. but one song in particular stuck with me. same drugs. it reminds me of my last situationship. that situation doesn't hurt as bad as it used to, so i figured i could write something more than "fuck you" ten thousand times. same drugs is an emotional song, you know? it tugged at my heart a bit. made a real nigga get a tad soft. so, of course i was quite inspired to write a little something. here's a couple stanzas of it. i won't post the whole thing, it gets kinda deep you know? maybe i will later, but not right now. i think my sister reads this blog. i'd rather her not see it.

we don't do the same drugs no more 

iv.

It was easy for you to quit me.

I get that.

I don’t come with withdrawal symptoms.

v.

Cold turkey is your middle name;

that’s how you quit smoking weed,

seasoning salt, and slow juking.

You yearned for detachment.

I was too sticky.

vi.

The last time you told me you loved me

my heart sunk into my empty stomach and

twisted my insides into a bow.

You said you were giving me a present by leaving me.

But it did not feel like Christmas.

More like the last meal before my execution.

time to find new things to write about, i guess? 

- nia simone

when i die y'all gotta play this song as they lower me into the ground

                                                 the only man that's never let me down
                                                   besides my dad cause my dad's great

How Casper the Friendly Ghost Taught Me About Love

The 90s Casper movie doesn't get enough credit. I used to love watching that movie as a kid. And my favorite part was at the end of the movie, during a Halloween party. Casper had given up his life (I know he's a ghost, which means he's obviously already dead and gone, but let me continue) to bring Harvey (Kat's, the main girl, father) back to life. Because of his gesture, some random ominous being (which may, or may not be his mother) decides to let Casper become a human for a couple hours in order to confront Kat and tell her how he feels. The situation has a Cinderella-esque nature about it which undeniably adorable. 

They end up dancing at the Halloween party to the most beautifully cheesy 90s slow dance song-

Then, Casper delivers this incredible line.

"Can I keep you?" 

That moment has mesmerized me ever since I was a child. See, I've always been in love with the idea of love. My heart fluttered every time my favorite Disney Channel show involved someone having a crush. And every time there was a kiss, I felt that magic too. It just has always been something that I was fascinated by.

And then, I fell in love myself. Many, many years later as an adult. I felt like I had skipped past all of that fluffy puppy love that you're supposed to experience as a kid or young teenager, and gone straight into that smack-you-in-the-face-try-to-deny-it-but-you-can't-hide-it type of love. 

It was way different than the love that I had been exposed to as a child. It wasn't as easy and formulaic. Everybody's experience of love is different I guess. Mine, in fact, was incredibly odd. 

It was like no emotion that I'd ever experienced before. Love chewed up my brain and my heart until it was some type of crazy mush. At a certain point in time, this person was all that I could think about. I was writing poetry forever, pages on pages, trying to wring the emotion out like a towel. Here's a snippet of how my brain was working while I was chin-deep in love for the first time. 

---------------

"i want you more than words can describe 

yet i'll forever try

to encompass your essence in a single line

let the words spring off the page 

like the butterflies that like to camp in my tummy whenever you walk by 

you intoxicate my vocabulary

i start stumbling into similes and metaphors...."

----------------------

Cute, right? Lines like these just kept spewing out of my brain like a broken garbage disposal. My stickies on my Macbook are full of poems that are love-sick, heart-broken, or just broken in general. It didn't end up working out in the end, but hey, who stays with the person that they first fall in love with anyway? 

What I'm trying to say is, I'm glad my younger self had that innocent child-like view of love to cling onto. Sometimes I wish I could get that back. I wonder about it sometimes...I mean...someday my prince will come right?  

NEW MUSIC; partynextdoor feat. drake - come and see me

new music from the ovo camp. 

i think it's majorly dope. 

you should listen to it. 

the life of lil nia nee

t.l.o.p is interesting to say the least.

your love is so beautiful you could have singlehandedly made picasso retire the color blue

happy almost valentine's day.

I Love the Way You Hold Me...

You're welcome.

Tunes About Being in Love That Came Out at a Time Where I Had No Idea What Being in Love Was Like

I still have these dreams where my life turns into some type of oddly romantic musical. The world slows down, a spotlight comes down on me...and someone one else...and I end up serenading a special someone. The dream always ends before they could reach me though...

I'll come out of singing retirement for whoever's worth it. One day. 

So, future bae, if you're reading this; I'm trying to sing for you one day...

I Am Very Very Lonely

I always get stuck in this weird position between wanting company and just wanting my alone time. Maybe it's because I haven't had people around me in a while (due to me being at home for winter break) but at the moment, I'm desiring company. 

I feel like by initiating interaction (texting, calling people to hang) I'm annoying people that probably have way better things happening in their lives than talking to me....I've got to get over that though. Like, there's certain people that I'm just drawn to naturally and I want to call them all the time but I don't want them to get sick of me. So I end up, you know, alone and whiney. 

...I should probably stop overthinking things...right? 

I Wrote a Poem Today...

Forget-Me-Nots are my favorite flower. Around the age of 13 I figured I'd pick a favorite flower because, you know, that's what girls do. And I thought at the time someone was going to buy me flowers at one point, and I wanted something unique to tell them. Also, I was addicted to Harvest Moon at one point...one of those games does have a place called Forget-Me-Not Valley...that may have influence my decision in this aspect of girl-dom. I still love them to this day. So, I ended up writing about them today. 

i often wonder what type of flower you will become

Forget-Me-Not

Memories blooming

Natured to nurture

Coddling the good times

and planting the seeds

Leading to a greenhouse

of overly groomed foliage

Popped cherry trees

and Forget-Me-Nots

The golden sun up above

blessing all the flower pots

with sunlight beams 

from its growth glock

A pleasurable pain

To let the nostalgia penetrate

All the dirt packed regret and hate

As I reminisce about the better days

I have no room for roses 

in this garden of remembrance

As they only look to win over the heart

Intoxicating it with an air of romance

Coaxing its beating metronome

Into a trance

That'll make an infatuation 

Feel like home sweet home

But Forget-Me-Nots

are a key into the soul's lock. 

Solidifying a bond

That's meant to stop Dali's melting clock

But in the back of my garden

Are empty pots

That signify a mental block

I am aware of their existence

But dismissed the substance

I often gaze at them

And see if I can recollect...

(Maybe one day when I'm all famous off of my poetry I'll be able to look back at this blog and see how crappy my writing used to be xD This shit needs so much editing but oh well I wanted someone to see it. Have a great night.)

The Importance of Falling in Love with Yourself

  

Even though I'm a bit obsessed with social media and posting selfies this photo in particular was a bit hard to post. I've always had problems with my self-esteem ever since I was in middle school. I started comparing myself to the other girls and wondering why I wasn't as pretty as them, as smart as them, as talented as them....It's a bad habit that I've carried into adulthood sadly...

Ever since I turned 18, I believe I've been trying to reach some unattainable standard of beauty to feel more like a woman. Even though I'm 20 years old I still feel and look very much like a child. I've wanted so badly to feel beautiful and sexy and just everything that a woman is supposed to be. So, in my selfies on social media, I try to portray myself as the woman that I thought I wanted to be. 

Social media outlets like Instagram portray only moments in time. Everyone on Instagram tries to look as amazing as possible. I'm bombarded on the daily by all of these pictures perfect-looking women and I'm wondering why don't I look like that. And, it doesn't help that the guys I'm around love to gawk over these model types and pursue women with similar qualities. 

Bad bitches. Now, I'm not saying that I want to be called that, but I desire the same attention that they get. You know what I mean? I've always been in the background when it came to boys and their short ass attention spans. I've never gotten too much attention from them. I was just there; I was a spectator to  girls walking around with their boyfriends, going out on dates, and just be actively pursued in general. To this day I haven't had a serious committed relationship. It saddens me and leaves an imprint of unworthiness on me. 

I know that's terrible, but that's how I feel. It's the truth. And it sucks. 

I don't know when I'll finally see myself as being beautiful. This picture up above is a step in me trying to see myself as that. There's no filter; no makeup; no sneaky editing. It's just me. I guess I'm trying to say, that before you can give and receive love you have to love yourself first right? 

That's what I'm trying to grow into. One step at a time. 

The Trials and Tribulations of Living in a Little Big City

So, I just finished watching J. Cole's Forest Hills Drive Homecoming concert movie on HBO...and it was everything. I loved every part of it. But, a recurring theme was the often constricting mindset of living in a small town. 

Now, I can't say that I live in a town as small as Fayetteville, but sometimes it feels that way. I've been living in Richmond ever since I was 8 years old. I know this town like the back of my hand. I've grown with it. This town is within me. I've a witness to the town's progression. 

Richmond has a million plus people in it. So, it's definitely not a small town by design. But, I believe that it can give you the same type of mentality. 

It's comfortable here. It's almost too comfortable. You can pretty much find a corner of it that could fit any type of individual. If you're looking for a quiet, cushy atmosphere you should probably head over to the suburbs just outside the city. If you're looking for a good time, there's a ridiculously lively night life in the heart of the downtown. There is truly something for everyone here. So, it's dangerously easy to never leave.

But, I don't want to fall into a never-ending cycle of comfort. I want to push myself; I want to chase my dreams. I can see myself falling into a sort of cycle and seemingly never leaving (getting an internship at a newspaper or local T.V. station, and then finding a cushy job at said local T.V. station or newspaper). I know if I did that forever I'd still feel some type of void. I want to stop that before it starts. It's not that I don't love my city and see the opportunity. I've met some lifelong friends here and I have some amazing memories. Richmond is my city. 

I just want more. I want things that the city just can't give me at this very moment. I want to work for a national T.V. channel. Better yet, I want to create my own media empire. I want people to experience my artistic creations all over the world, not just all over the block. I don't want to grasp at only what's at arms reach. 

I'm graduating next year, and I believe it's time to start planning what I'm going to do after I leave out of the lovely comfortable world of college. I have to work, ferociously, towards my goals. If I don't; I'm sure to fall back into a cycle and never get the opportunity to branch out and spread my wings. I have to do it before it's too late. 

My heart will always have a soft spot for Richmond though. But, my heart needs something that this city just can't offer. 

I love you J Cole and thanks for inspiring me. 

driving anxiety, yippee

So, I learned today that driving gives me a bout of anxiety. It truly sucks. I'm trying to catch up with the world and get my driver's license since I've had my permit since the ripe age of 15!!!??!? But my anxiety may be one of the road blocks that stands in my way of making some type of progress towards doing the whole adult thing. 

It's so much to focus on at one time. All of the cars going by, making sure you don't crash and what not, etc...but I'm going to keep practicing. It'll all go away once I get used to it right? At least, that's what I'm hoping for. I'm going to accomplish this.  I'm not going to let this slip away from me and before I know it I'll be 30 without a driver's license. I won't let that happen. 

I can't ride the bus forever. Just...NO.