Even though I'm a bit obsessed with social media and posting selfies this photo in particular was a bit hard to post. I've always had problems with my self-esteem ever since I was in middle school. I started comparing myself to the other girls and wondering why I wasn't as pretty as them, as smart as them, as talented as them....It's a bad habit that I've carried into adulthood sadly...
Ever since I turned 18, I believe I've been trying to reach some unattainable standard of beauty to feel more like a woman. Even though I'm 20 years old I still feel and look very much like a child. I've wanted so badly to feel beautiful and sexy and just everything that a woman is supposed to be. So, in my selfies on social media, I try to portray myself as the woman that I thought I wanted to be.
Social media outlets like Instagram portray only moments in time. Everyone on Instagram tries to look as amazing as possible. I'm bombarded on the daily by all of these pictures perfect-looking women and I'm wondering why don't I look like that. And, it doesn't help that the guys I'm around love to gawk over these model types and pursue women with similar qualities.
Bad bitches. Now, I'm not saying that I want to be called that, but I desire the same attention that they get. You know what I mean? I've always been in the background when it came to boys and their short ass attention spans. I've never gotten too much attention from them. I was just there; I was a spectator to girls walking around with their boyfriends, going out on dates, and just be actively pursued in general. To this day I haven't had a serious committed relationship. It saddens me and leaves an imprint of unworthiness on me.
I know that's terrible, but that's how I feel. It's the truth. And it sucks.
I don't know when I'll finally see myself as being beautiful. This picture up above is a step in me trying to see myself as that. There's no filter; no makeup; no sneaky editing. It's just me. I guess I'm trying to say, that before you can give and receive love you have to love yourself first right?
That's what I'm trying to grow into. One step at a time.
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