insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results.

i'm quite insane

i can't swipe right on everyone ya know, the stars have to align and doves have to sing in harmony

i long
to wake with someone
who exudes enough
radiance
to rival with the sun
and come out victorious

to be phased
by the twinkle in their eye
mesmerized
by the diamonds

i wouldn't need
to burden my hand
with them

my hand
would be too busy
holding
the most precious jewel

i long
to allow myself
to be charmed by
by early mornings

kisses
on the forehead

interlocking
fingers

the simpler things

i long
to be able
to trust again

i need not
the wealth
of the world

but those moments
of

good mornings

and

i love yous

and

you mean
something
to mes

i long to
find someone
that finds
comfort
in our silence

is it weird
to want to be in love
before
adding noise?

fill in the blank

i'll remember you
by the way i fell in ___ ___ ___ ____
and how i ____ out perfection
wasn't just some man ____ concept
that could only be realized by summer _______
and ______ movies
it was hidden
________ a _________ _______

i forget my first love like you forget a day dream

and what of all my wild friends
and all the times i had with them
but i'll fade to grey soon
on the TV station

hope it's not too much

obligatory music post

i listen to noname (go listen to all i need)
i listen to goldlink (go listen to dance on me)
i listen to vince staples (go listen to senorita)
i listen to mick jenkins (go listen to healer)
i listen to isaiah rashad (go listen to free lunch)
i listen to sza (go listen to warm winds)
i listen to chance the rapper (go listen to same drugs)
i listen to vic mensa (go listen to there's a lot going on)
i listen to towkio (go listen to heaven only knows)

i just gave you enough great music to brighten your day

i have a queen sized bed now, and the sun wakes me up in the morning

this is going to be a good ass year
i know it

i'm so sorry

i'ma need new life experiences so my poems wont go stale rehashing old news

i kinda sorta used to be in love with you, i guess maybe

i.

traces of nostalgia in my system

twisting scribbles into scriptures 

planting spotlights on my unscripted mind

snug in between my most awkward moments 

and deepest hopes

ii. 

there's an odd sense of comfort

in the way your lips curl when you smile

iii. 

sometimes i hate when we don't speak

iv. 

i'd rather not let feelings leak through winks 

and blank stares

i'd rather move hollow hearted and blank faced

v. 

because of you

i've learned that chasing after schoolgirl crushes

brings about nothing but skinned knees

my wounds are still fresh

they still bleed

because of you

i keep kelly clarkson on repeat

vi. 

i'd rather learn how to heal

so i don't have to dwell 

on the emotional debt 

of he-who-must-not-be-named

vii. 

i feel like severus snape

viii. 

sometimes i hate you

ix. 

i lock my door when i go to sleep

i don't even trust me, with me

heart charred black

can't even see when you fucked up at

but the scar's still there

shaped like your lips

when you last told me you cared

x. 

i don't trust me, with me

i have to learn to keep my body in a sacred place

i have to learn to treat my body like a sacred place

but sleeping alone makes my heart race

i lay awake at night keeping it at pace

xi. 

i hate being a mess

xii. 

i hate the difference
between being in love
and loving

xiii. 

i only fall in love with
lunar eclipses

chamomile tea

and friends reruns

xiv.

anymore

how can you trip over something that was never yours in the first place?

maybe future nia can answer this question for me.

5 days until 21

Current state: I have a headache. I seem to have a headache quite often lately. I don't really know why. I drink a shit ton of water all the time. Maybe it's because I've been sort of stressed lately. But, it's not that great of a reason to feel like Shrek is pummeling your head with a poorly constructed hammer. My back's been hurting too. Sometimes my body feels more like 60, and less like 20.

My birthday is in a couple days. I'm excited to turn 21. It's going to be a good year. I've got great people in my life. I'm on set to graduate in May. I'm gonna have the sickest senior year of all time.

 I have a lot of half-written poems in my notes. I really do need help picking up the pieces. I might call some poetry homies soon to help me out. Cause, I'm really feeling like Professor Calamitous right now.

Here's one that I wrote not too long ago,

i admit i still fantasize about you
and the way your baby blues
crooned

That's it. Like, what? I have a bunch of random couplets that don't make sense together. Who knows what I'll do with them in the future.

I'm not sure if I'm ready to love yet. It all hurts. I totally wish I could see the future, so I can be with someone who won't screw me over and avoid all the ones that will. But, I guess I need to stop being such a weeny and jump. But, I don't know, something in me just thinks I should focus on me. Love always seems to distract me.

I'm not too happy yet, but I see it in my future.

R&B has kinda turned into something that promotes unhealthy relationships. Like, the guys in R&B are usually all in love & worshiping the girl that they're with but the popular R&B singers now are just saying what the rappers are saying, but in a prettier tune. Looking at you Bryson Tiller & PND.

So, I've been trying to find some music to make me feel better. Here's a good one.


Y'all hear Mick Jenkins' Healer beat behind the tune? I do.

I always feel weird about my body so it's nice for someone to be there to combat the bad thoughts.

I'm rambling; I'm just gonna stop now.

Anyway, good night.