getting through a mental breakdown

i had a moment of weakness today. a thing that was said sent my thoughts spiraling down. i really do have to get better control of this, because my mood is something that's so fragile. holding onto a good feeling is something that is hard for me. but i just started to think about my life after college, and how i have absolutely nothing figured out. no type of job security. no next step. i know my senior year is the year where i can figure all of that out, but it just really sent me to an incredibly dark place. see, it starts with me not knowing what i'm going to do after college and it'll lead into something like "no one will love you if you can't provide for yourself" and then it'll lead into the lovely thought of "you're an incompetent human being." it can never stay at one level for me. and, i'll never know my triggers until they happen. that's the worst part. i'm not in a constant state of worry because it doesn't happen all of the time, but this even is pushing me into becoming the biggest worrier on earth. i hate the anxiety. i hate the depression. i hate the fact that mental health isn't taken neaaaarly as seriously as physical health. sometimes i feel really crazy. i wonder if i am.

- nia simone

thoughts

everybody's so pretty and i'm just here

why do people like to use me

it's a weird life that i live 

golf wang the anti-runway runway

late last night i had the pleasure of watching the golf wang fashion show on youtube. i'm not the biggest runway fashion fan, but the vibe of golf wang fashion show completely attracted me. i think that tyler the creator is one of the most underrated niggas in the hip hop game. he has his hands in so many different things and it's floating under the radar for so many people. i honestly don't fucking get it; i've been rocking with his ass since goblin came out back when i was in high school. it might be because of his rocky start with all of the suggestive lyrics, but people should really give him a chance. he's an entrepreneur and showcasing a powerful message of being yourself and going after what the fuck you want. i am all for it. i wish i could work with this nigga because creatively he is on the top of the rapper game. don't fight me on this.

the music was dope as hell; had to do my googles and figure out what songs they were.

*goes to drown myself in alabama shakes*

but i want to support this nigga so bad but his clothing is kind of expensive at times. but, that doesn't mean that i won't tell everyone i know that this nigga is dope and they should support his creative smart dope ass. (and i got some of socks)

but, please watch this fashion show. it is fire flames. and support this nigga please and i'll live vicariously through you.

- nia simone

(one day i'll meet him and let him know how talented and creative and beautiful he is)

writing through the pain

sometimes, i feel like i should be finding other ways to medicate. i always wanted to find some type of quick fix that would make me feel better. by me, i mean my mind - my body - my spirit. they're all kinda tainted right now. it's a plethora of reasons, but all of them coming for me at once is affecting me. it really is. 

one of the ways that i medicate is through my writing. it feels good to bring about something beautiful from something ugly. people tell me that i'm a good writer. i believe them most of the time. but, i often think that people just tell me what they think i need to hear to make me feel better. i guess you can say that i don't take compliments well. 

one of my favorite rappers is ironically, chance the rapper. he just dropped his newest project coloring book. of course, i was practically peeing my pants when it dropped. but one song in particular stuck with me. same drugs. it reminds me of my last situationship. that situation doesn't hurt as bad as it used to, so i figured i could write something more than "fuck you" ten thousand times. same drugs is an emotional song, you know? it tugged at my heart a bit. made a real nigga get a tad soft. so, of course i was quite inspired to write a little something. here's a couple stanzas of it. i won't post the whole thing, it gets kinda deep you know? maybe i will later, but not right now. i think my sister reads this blog. i'd rather her not see it.

we don't do the same drugs no more 

iv.

It was easy for you to quit me.

I get that.

I don’t come with withdrawal symptoms.

v.

Cold turkey is your middle name;

that’s how you quit smoking weed,

seasoning salt, and slow juking.

You yearned for detachment.

I was too sticky.

vi.

The last time you told me you loved me

my heart sunk into my empty stomach and

twisted my insides into a bow.

You said you were giving me a present by leaving me.

But it did not feel like Christmas.

More like the last meal before my execution.

time to find new things to write about, i guess? 

- nia simone