I Love the Way You Hold Me...

You're welcome.

Tunes About Being in Love That Came Out at a Time Where I Had No Idea What Being in Love Was Like

I still have these dreams where my life turns into some type of oddly romantic musical. The world slows down, a spotlight comes down on me...and someone one else...and I end up serenading a special someone. The dream always ends before they could reach me though...

I'll come out of singing retirement for whoever's worth it. One day. 

So, future bae, if you're reading this; I'm trying to sing for you one day...

I Am Very Very Lonely

I always get stuck in this weird position between wanting company and just wanting my alone time. Maybe it's because I haven't had people around me in a while (due to me being at home for winter break) but at the moment, I'm desiring company. 

I feel like by initiating interaction (texting, calling people to hang) I'm annoying people that probably have way better things happening in their lives than talking to me....I've got to get over that though. Like, there's certain people that I'm just drawn to naturally and I want to call them all the time but I don't want them to get sick of me. So I end up, you know, alone and whiney. 

...I should probably stop overthinking things...right? 

I Wrote a Poem Today...

Forget-Me-Nots are my favorite flower. Around the age of 13 I figured I'd pick a favorite flower because, you know, that's what girls do. And I thought at the time someone was going to buy me flowers at one point, and I wanted something unique to tell them. Also, I was addicted to Harvest Moon at one point...one of those games does have a place called Forget-Me-Not Valley...that may have influence my decision in this aspect of girl-dom. I still love them to this day. So, I ended up writing about them today. 

i often wonder what type of flower you will become

Forget-Me-Not

Memories blooming

Natured to nurture

Coddling the good times

and planting the seeds

Leading to a greenhouse

of overly groomed foliage

Popped cherry trees

and Forget-Me-Nots

The golden sun up above

blessing all the flower pots

with sunlight beams 

from its growth glock

A pleasurable pain

To let the nostalgia penetrate

All the dirt packed regret and hate

As I reminisce about the better days

I have no room for roses 

in this garden of remembrance

As they only look to win over the heart

Intoxicating it with an air of romance

Coaxing its beating metronome

Into a trance

That'll make an infatuation 

Feel like home sweet home

But Forget-Me-Nots

are a key into the soul's lock. 

Solidifying a bond

That's meant to stop Dali's melting clock

But in the back of my garden

Are empty pots

That signify a mental block

I am aware of their existence

But dismissed the substance

I often gaze at them

And see if I can recollect...

(Maybe one day when I'm all famous off of my poetry I'll be able to look back at this blog and see how crappy my writing used to be xD This shit needs so much editing but oh well I wanted someone to see it. Have a great night.)

The Importance of Falling in Love with Yourself

  

Even though I'm a bit obsessed with social media and posting selfies this photo in particular was a bit hard to post. I've always had problems with my self-esteem ever since I was in middle school. I started comparing myself to the other girls and wondering why I wasn't as pretty as them, as smart as them, as talented as them....It's a bad habit that I've carried into adulthood sadly...

Ever since I turned 18, I believe I've been trying to reach some unattainable standard of beauty to feel more like a woman. Even though I'm 20 years old I still feel and look very much like a child. I've wanted so badly to feel beautiful and sexy and just everything that a woman is supposed to be. So, in my selfies on social media, I try to portray myself as the woman that I thought I wanted to be. 

Social media outlets like Instagram portray only moments in time. Everyone on Instagram tries to look as amazing as possible. I'm bombarded on the daily by all of these pictures perfect-looking women and I'm wondering why don't I look like that. And, it doesn't help that the guys I'm around love to gawk over these model types and pursue women with similar qualities. 

Bad bitches. Now, I'm not saying that I want to be called that, but I desire the same attention that they get. You know what I mean? I've always been in the background when it came to boys and their short ass attention spans. I've never gotten too much attention from them. I was just there; I was a spectator to  girls walking around with their boyfriends, going out on dates, and just be actively pursued in general. To this day I haven't had a serious committed relationship. It saddens me and leaves an imprint of unworthiness on me. 

I know that's terrible, but that's how I feel. It's the truth. And it sucks. 

I don't know when I'll finally see myself as being beautiful. This picture up above is a step in me trying to see myself as that. There's no filter; no makeup; no sneaky editing. It's just me. I guess I'm trying to say, that before you can give and receive love you have to love yourself first right? 

That's what I'm trying to grow into. One step at a time. 

The Trials and Tribulations of Living in a Little Big City

So, I just finished watching J. Cole's Forest Hills Drive Homecoming concert movie on HBO...and it was everything. I loved every part of it. But, a recurring theme was the often constricting mindset of living in a small town. 

Now, I can't say that I live in a town as small as Fayetteville, but sometimes it feels that way. I've been living in Richmond ever since I was 8 years old. I know this town like the back of my hand. I've grown with it. This town is within me. I've a witness to the town's progression. 

Richmond has a million plus people in it. So, it's definitely not a small town by design. But, I believe that it can give you the same type of mentality. 

It's comfortable here. It's almost too comfortable. You can pretty much find a corner of it that could fit any type of individual. If you're looking for a quiet, cushy atmosphere you should probably head over to the suburbs just outside the city. If you're looking for a good time, there's a ridiculously lively night life in the heart of the downtown. There is truly something for everyone here. So, it's dangerously easy to never leave.

But, I don't want to fall into a never-ending cycle of comfort. I want to push myself; I want to chase my dreams. I can see myself falling into a sort of cycle and seemingly never leaving (getting an internship at a newspaper or local T.V. station, and then finding a cushy job at said local T.V. station or newspaper). I know if I did that forever I'd still feel some type of void. I want to stop that before it starts. It's not that I don't love my city and see the opportunity. I've met some lifelong friends here and I have some amazing memories. Richmond is my city. 

I just want more. I want things that the city just can't give me at this very moment. I want to work for a national T.V. channel. Better yet, I want to create my own media empire. I want people to experience my artistic creations all over the world, not just all over the block. I don't want to grasp at only what's at arms reach. 

I'm graduating next year, and I believe it's time to start planning what I'm going to do after I leave out of the lovely comfortable world of college. I have to work, ferociously, towards my goals. If I don't; I'm sure to fall back into a cycle and never get the opportunity to branch out and spread my wings. I have to do it before it's too late. 

My heart will always have a soft spot for Richmond though. But, my heart needs something that this city just can't offer. 

I love you J Cole and thanks for inspiring me. 

driving anxiety, yippee

So, I learned today that driving gives me a bout of anxiety. It truly sucks. I'm trying to catch up with the world and get my driver's license since I've had my permit since the ripe age of 15!!!??!? But my anxiety may be one of the road blocks that stands in my way of making some type of progress towards doing the whole adult thing. 

It's so much to focus on at one time. All of the cars going by, making sure you don't crash and what not, etc...but I'm going to keep practicing. It'll all go away once I get used to it right? At least, that's what I'm hoping for. I'm going to accomplish this.  I'm not going to let this slip away from me and before I know it I'll be 30 without a driver's license. I won't let that happen. 

I can't ride the bus forever. Just...NO.